The silent screams of a man
I've made myself into something other than cookie-cutter.
I know techniques, and have experience that almost no one has. I'm an expert on things that most people avoid, and thus comply with.
I'm a resistor. And I've spent my life resisting being used/victimized.
At the first of this year, I had a successful class on teaching ADA advocacy to level the playing field. Had a lawyer and a legal assistant in the class, and several medical professionals, among others.
And after this class, I just shut down. Mentally and physically. Spiritually, I went into a place of reflection, seeking clarity. I'm getting it. I've been here before, obstinately refusing to move until answers come.
Mark Twain said: "When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move. Your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth and tell the whole world:
'No, you move.'"
How many times...
I'm here again. Not really looking for anything but clarity.
I'm determined to not be "used" to make someone else happy without mutual reward.
The Family that depends on me? Well, it’s my observation that they take all of the productivity I can muster, they consume that productivity, and they ask for more, while never stopping once to genuinely thank, or even acknowledge my efforts. It’s my kids I’m talking about.
So, I’m determined to continue feeding them, taking care of their basic needs, while cutting out almost every luxury that isn’t needed. I’m even resigned to suffer along with them. I’m just done being used up with no mutual reward. Hell, NO reward at all.
Maybe "depression" is just obstinance. Maybe it’s defiance. Maybe it’s disenchantment. BUT, I know that if this is depression, it’s not due to some chemical imbalance. It’s a life imbalance. There are no safe spaces to work this out. Everyone that offers “help” has an angle.
Well, this is me, working MY angle, and I’m sitting right here, on my ass, doing as little as possible, until something changes.
You want your needs for living met? Okay.
Oh, you have additional desires? Sorry, I paid at the office…
P.D., JAY V SHORE
I'll share what works for me. You created the workshop, it sounded successful, yet here you are depressed. Reminds me of me in that I wrote a novel that I'm told is excellent, been interviewed on the novel three times, and my blog articles several times. Yet the novel isn't selling hot cakes and I just posted another hot article of which people enjoy but don't read any of the others.
At some point I have to admit that what is going on out there has nothing to do with me. And I can't make a dent in "them".
Case in point, we have minds whereas cattle do not. Yet most live like herd animals. Read the manual in order to operate something. (User manuals suck...you want the repair manual, the complete operations manual). Most have no interest in reading a manual. Why? Because they have been conditioned to toggle switches, use pedals and steering wheels. Most have already stopped reading my comment because they don't have what it takes to learn something.
People "believe" they know everything. Just ask them. Opinions = knowledge. Beliefs = Reality. Thus these people have zero interest in how the mind works. Why? Because they still have opinions and can talk and type...barely.
Meanwhile Big Brother is one zillion percent into how the mind works so they can control it. "Mass Hypnosis" or whatever the buzzword is, was latched onto a year ago. Meh, that buzzword doesn't mean shit. It's like saying one knows all about cars because they have a key, pedals and steering wheel. You didn't create the car...you don't know anything.
What does this have to do with depression? Everything. Let's cut to the chase and deal with the beliefs about death. Everybody dies. Yet most live their life terrified of death and instead, submit to living a life not worth living. Why? Because they don't know any better. Most believe that you die and that is it for you forever. That is a BELIEF.
Yeah but "everybody knows"... Look no further for two words that manipulate humans into being herd animals. BTW that's "crowd consciousness" aka collectivism...
Nobody knows. But one can "sense" if they're wired for it. Sense as in "pick up" on non-physical information that isn't coming from the Internet, books, TV, or other humans. (Nah, that's crazy talk, right? Sure...).
I can sense what most can't or at least have repressed. So what? Me, I sense that we have multiple lifetimes. I've written and been interviewed on it. It's rational. Your "god", nature, has created all systems to be self regenerating. Yet we have priests (humans) claiming you have a SINGLE life to live because...well, they said so and give us your money. Bullshit. A mind doesn't get wiser in a single lifetime. Impossible and for many, they're not learning anything at all.
Example: victim vs victimizer. You must be wired to live that way in order to understand it, to live it. That is not going to be a lifetime where you are living the "help others" theme, is it? Humans will always have an answer to why I'm wrong. But we're dealing with "depression" so screw them.
***Jay, you're not living your first lifetime. You've lived many, many lives, hence your innate wisdom. You'll live more lifetimes. If you believe that...then, at least when I do it...poof, there goes my worry and angst. Spoiler alert: I am NOT coming back for another lifetime for at least 2k years. Why? Because it takes time for people to get wiser as in many lifetimes. Clearly most humans on the planet are not wise.
I still get upset, angry, etc. I stopped trying to convince anybody of anything. I'm only writing here because I adore your efforts in this fight.
Whatever your beliefs are, modify them for the multiple lifetime thing. Means that this lifetime just isn't "everything". good luck my friend.
Hang in tough Jay. Plant your roots deep like the Tree on the riverbank. Eventually the beauty of your form ,shape, branches, shade, windbreak and protection will be valued. Depression will pass to admirations.