None of this that we see or experience means anything without love.
It feels like I have lived, and will die without that being realized as a safe place.
Perhaps my ability to stand up against “the man” is a dopamine drip that gives me purpose in lieu of the real thing, which is love.
The journeys that my family and I have come through are awe-inspiring, and yet, they irritate, like a leaky faucet dripping into a steel sink, compared to the absence of love.
Every day, I get up, wanting connection. Every night, (early morning, actually) I go to fitful sleep, knowing it is not here.
And so today, to distract myself from the fact that I love deeply and want connection with my Sterino, Firecracker, Punkapoo, Turkey-Turkey, and Ninja Turtle, I sit here alone, and although the sun is up, I’m in the dark metaphorically.
I’ve learned to live in the dark, remembering the little boy crying out for his mom, having wet the bed. My mother would come, bring a change of sheets, a change of clothes, and she would change my sheets, and I would change my clothes, and she would go back to bed. No nurture, no comfort, no consolation. She had to go to work the next day, y’unnerstand. (That was her distraction.)
During a past journey into my subconscious, I saw my mom as a little girl, with a dad that had epilepsy, couldn’t hold a job, and was alcoholic. I don’t know all of the horrors she went through, but I know they were there. My dad, similarly, had his dad die when he was 8, and had a very hard life.
My brother told me of her demise into dementia and about her “hollering” for help. Goddamn if it didn’t turn me into a sack of weeping flesh. We all carry generational trauma, and are tasked with generational healing, and yet this system has us:
DISTRACTED.
P.D., JAY V SHORE
Well im sure it doesn't amount to much, damn sure doesn't amount to the connection you so desire with your boys, but if it does amount to a speck of anything,....
You sir, a man I've only spoken with shortly on the phone, and a comment here and a comment there on TT have ,become a safe space of sorts for me. On the days the overbearing weight of everything makes me want to throw my hands up in a defeated depressed Tiffy screaming fuck this, fuck that, fuck them, fuck Ben, fuck jerry, and fuck the world, and fuck me too as I give up on everything, the day to day life, the fight I've devoted myself to on my wifes behalf to get her son back and just being here period, it has never failed that in that moment your words shine a light on a path I hadn't thought of yet and light the fire that had all but dwindled out erupts in a mushroom cloud like a nuke just went off and I'm back to flip pages, reading cases, attempting to find an attorney, anythng to make me better off then I was the day before. I'll admit to date I've been unsuccessful with any of my attempts but I've gained a vast knowledge and a hate for the judicial system as anyone who has been through the same BS I've been through with them would. It has however landed me several lawsuits that if I can ever find the knowledge, guIdance, or a god damn fucking attorney that will take my case with all the evidence I already have done their leg work., hands down no brainer winners , those lawsuits will set not only me but my children and if I play my cards right their children financially for life. Wal-Mart, A Municipal Court Judge and Prosecuting attorney included for ADA violations, A Large Metropolitan PD for abuse of office, perjury, falsifying police reports, oath of office violations, no oath of office on file nor surety bond, a sheriff's department for malfeasance of office for telling me it was someone first amendment right to, in person, make a threat against my life, my wifes life, and our service animals life on video & audio recording, then an entire county for their family court bs they have put my wife through. Sorry kinda rambled there. But back to the heart of the situation, if it wasn't for you I honestly would have given up on everything already, so to me YES you are a safe space for me. Thank you for everything you do even though you're not directly doing it to help me, you've helped me more than anyone. Keep your chin up and keep being my spirit animal 🤘🤘🤘