Gonna be a while...

Recovery from Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Wow. I hadn’t done this for a while, and didn’t really plan on doing it this time. I was looking for a certain file (still haven’t found that fucker) and I came across a recording I made of a conversation between me and my ex wife.

I was confronting her about several situations in a row. Understand that when I confronted her, I had already reached my boiling point, already let things slide without addressing them and it was my pattern, my survival tactic, to just not reach a boiling point. At least I had learned over the years that communication, instead of physical violence, was my mode of operation in times like these.

As I listened to this recording, it gave me nausea, sweats, anxiety, anger, confusion, and it was another WTF moment.

I listed the things that had harmed us from her actions. We had a crisis in play, and that called for doing things differently, for survival, and so I had to make some boundaries so that we could just have food, be safe, and keep the kids in relative stasis of being okay.

She bucked the system several times, and I couldn’t do anything but confront it. She remained totally passive during this exchange, only offering that she thought she could do things differently than our set boundaries of operation during this time.

This was in 2022. It made me realize that I had been putting up with this for so long.

It reminded me of the time I first recognized that I couldn’t trust her fully. I can be a little less ambiguous and share details on this event.

There was a time in 2015-ish that we were in an RV park in Ashland, OR. It was around Christmas, and the snow was on the ground and the scenery in Ashland is just breathtaking. We were all tucked into the park, enjoying the snow, and ready to do Christmas in Ashland.

There was a small fish pond in the front of the RV park and it was part of the RV property. It was frozen over, and my oldest daughter decided that she wanted to walk on the iced-over pond.

The RV park owner saw this and understandably came to me and told me in absolute certain language that she could not walk on the pond or be near it, for liability purposes. I assured her that I would take care of it.

I went back to the RV and told them that the pond was off limits and about the exchange I had just endured with the RV park owner.

My ex decided that she would go with my daughter and let her walk on the pond again. I’m guessing that in her mind, if she supervised, she thought this would be okay. But it was NOT okay.

The RV park owner came to me and said, look, I told you this couldn’t happen, and it happened again, and you need to be out of here in 15 minutes.

BOOM. Just like that, we went from having somewhere to stay, a place of peace, to total full blown fucking turmoil, and it was MY job to fix whatever we were facing because of their actions.

There were no apologies, only excuses. “I thought if…” It roiled me to my limits. And I let it go (on the surface).

These instances of not being able to trust her were all brought back to remembrance with this recording.

You know, when you record someone, it’s because there are trust issues… Well, I have quite a few of these recordings, and this particular one that launched this post was a real humdinger.

Recording also kept me on the level, because I knew that my actions, my responses, and my words were on the same recording.

I told her how her actions were consequential, how they were actually dangerous in this situation, and her words… “I thought I could make a judgment call” (that was clearly past our set boundaries on this matter of adjusted operation during crisis.)

Man, I really had a passionate heart for her and my kids, but this has made me dead inside.

I’m still scratching my head about all of this, and just don’t know how to proceed.

I’m the best at what I do, but that’s not my real reason for existence. So, I’m at a loss for WHY.

I’m just feeling the PAIN.

Thanks for reading.

P.D., JAY V. SHORE, a lost soul