No.

Always NO first, then...

In recovery from a long-term relationship that cost me my connection with my 5 kids and my ex, who I still love, I have adopted these parameters for all interactions, unless a basis for trust has already been established.

No.

ALWAYS No first, then:

1. How does it benefit me?

2. How does it benefit us mutually?

3. What are the expectations? - What is your ideal outcome?

4. What are the potential problems that could arise?

5. How will we meet and address those problems?

6. If there are problems that appear to be without a solution, how will we deal with that?

7. Will you communicate your feelings and thoughts fully?

8. Will you be honest when you communicate with me, and avoid inference and be fully clear on what you are saying?

9. Will you respect my right to disagree with solutions that you propose?

10. What happens if we have a disagreement that cannot be resolved?

11. What is the worst thing that you believe could happen if we agree to move forward?

12. Will you accept responsibility if you violate the principles of communication, trust, honesty and respect?

13. Are you able to apologize for your actions that may be harmful or in breach of the relationship parameters, as opposed to apologizing for how those actions may make others feel? (This is an important question because to avoid direct apology and acceptance of responsibility for one’s own actions is a dangerous scenario in which trust is removed. Narcissists, covert narcissists, and dismissive avoidants project their responsibility for their actions onto others - “I apologize for how that made you feel,” or “I didn’t mean it that way", or even more viciously, “Do you think I would ever ____________ (fill in the blank with “mean to hurt you” or “make you feel __________”) Another variant of this is “How can you even think that I would mean that (what they said) that way (In a way that breaches communication, trust, honesty, or respect)?” Another is “I was joking”…

    
    Ugh.
    
    There are all kinds of avoiding retorts and projection statements that are designed by the narcissist, covert narcissist, or dismissive avoidant, to get you to take responsibility for how their actions affected you. This is designed to keep them from accepting responsibility, because for some deep-seated reason (often related to traumatic history, they are just trying to keep themselves safe, and to accept responsibility means they have to be vulnerable.) BE ALERT and address these breaches directly, and if they continue, STOP the connection.
    
    An apology with continued breaches of the same nature is no apology at all.

There may be more, but this is a great list for consideration when going into connections that you may want to be a relationship.

Relationship is built on the four pillars of communication, trust, honesty, and respect. In short, Relationship is “mutual reward.”

If one of the pillars of relationship is breached, there is a hostage situation. I speak from experience when I say that avoiding the insistence of continuity of communication, trust, honesty, and respect is self-sabotaging and will result in failure of the relationship.

I avoided demanding communication, honesty, and respect, and I’m paying the price now.

This past week, I confronted a colleague about this type of behavior, and instead of apologizing for breaching a boundary I had set, the utterances of “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way”, and there was no acceptance of breaching a clearly stated boundary, or for their actions in doing so, but there was the attempt to deflect and make the breach about how it made me feel.

I ejected this person immediately when I saw that they couldn’t accept responsibility for their own actions.

NO first. Keep your guard up when going into relationships.