So many of us are just ALONE

Theo Von told the truth about being alone

And as I sipped my tear-flavored coffee, I reflected on the truth of alone-ness.

“It’s not that you don’t have anybody. It’s that nobody HAS YOU.”

And all of the people from Rural Hall to Arizona came to mind as I reflected on the past.

I told the first counselor I spoke with that their suggested diagnosis of “general anxiety disorder” was wrong. “If I’m depressed, if I’m anxious, it’s not just because I’m generally depressed or anxious. It’s because the system is presented as fair, accessible, and equally available, and it’s all a lie. THAT’s why I would be depressed or anxious.” I knew at that point that the mental health “industry” would be of little service to me, other than to help me document my inability to reconcile 

The friends I would have died for that casually connected. The times I always picked up the phone when called, to be met by the voicemail of convenience and circumstance. This led me to the unfortunate words of Billy Davis from Tennessee, who told me “Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.”

No one has me, at least no one that I trust, and it may be that my trust is the issue, having forever been broken by the bloody switches and stripes on my legs in youth, followed by the proclamations of “I love you” and “This hurts me more than it hurts you” as if somehow, their words negated their actions.

And so, I venture further into alone-ness, learning to trust myself, hear myself, sit with myself, and most importantly, BE myself.

Darkness, just like anything else, is an asset or a liability, depending on one’s perspective.

And while darkness can be mitigated by light, the removal of light shows that darkness is always ready to BE.

Perhaps it’s time for ME to “have” me, to have my own back, and to worry more about my safety, health, and expression than other things. Perhaps it’s time to make myself a priority, rather than just an option.

Just thinking out loud.

I’m ready for fall, so that I can bear to drink steaming-hot coffee again, and revisit my mistress in the way she was meant to be visited.

P.D., JAY V SHORE