The killing of a father

Charlie Kirk’s murder has made my observations of my own life even more poignant, and perhaps depressing.

I didn’t follow Charlie closely, but his spirit of engaging in discourse shone through, no matter who was observing. He actually listened to and responded to those who were averse to his position, and engendered respect and honesty.

When he was killed, it was shocking to the conscious to see, and I think the immediate access to these videos created a societal trauma, not only in America, but across the world.

My mental jury is still out on who, exactly did this, but the “why” seems simple: Charlie wasn’t afraid to tread the uncharted waters of how the mental construct has been adulterated in many ways. Blaming it on the hate of the left, while not implausible, seems convenient and set up. (Don’t get me wrong, they are violent in their thoughts and deeds.)

The Connection

I was a PTSD dad. I didn’t know how to navigate the triggers of misophonia (noise triggers) and being over stimulated. Just yesterday, I waded back into the over-stimulation piece, and failed miserably. (I may put out the video).

But, I wanted to discourse with my family. I begged for communication. I didn’t realize that my ex had given our children a new script of just don’t talk to him or leave him alone. I knew she had given me that script, and told me not to get in their space, because it made them feel uncomfortable. I challenged her on this repeatedly. Admittedly, while I thought I was doing what a man was supposed to do - provide and protect, I missed the need for communication. She was talking to them, right? I see what a fool I was.

This seems to be the plight of a man. Our masculinity has been labeled as toxic, and unneeded. The role of fatherhood, and the male as a part of society is being erased. I fell into this, although I hesitate to call myself a victim. I just didn’t see the forest for the trees.

The accountability of those playing part in this scheme, however has been embedded in the classic narcissitic response of gaslighting, deflection, flipping the script, denial, and general absence of any responsibility at all for the demise of the relationship.

I’m alone, and while I distract myself at times with activities and my mission of ADA advocacy, my “fulfillment” seems to be unattainable.

My role, my purpose, my identity of being a father and husband has been killed. I know I’m not the only one responsible, but as a “man” I just bore up these faults as my responsibility. The other side, my ex and kids are unwilling to even entertain that they had a part to play in the disconnect, the killing of my identity.

And the same as Charlie, in that horrific video, I often become involuntarily paralyzed with a gaping wound gushing blood, in the proverbial sense.

I’m a dad. I passed away years ago. I’m just waiting to realize it.

P.D., Jay V. Shore