What I really want

This past week, I met someone in a professional setting, and it turned into something else. This person and I connected on a soul level, and we both walked away grateful for the experience. The exchange was intimate. Vulnerability without judgment.

I shared this with my wife, and she reminded me of a now-deceased friend that said “Jay can pull your heart out, stroke and soothe it, and put it back in where it belongs.”

I do have this - gift - if you want to call it that. The fact is, though, it’s just connection.

Everyone is looking for commitment, and the real magic happens with connection. Being present. Allowing. No judgment.

I told my wife that I desperately want to do that for my children. They were heavily influenced by the new-age bullshit preaching “toxic masculinity” and “all men are bad”, and they saw me in a diminished state, one of poverty, struggling, and often panic. They saw me in crisis, never in balance.

And now they have walls up, and choose to issue hate where I sowed love.

If only they could see the soft side of me.

This is the main reason I don’t like life. My parents couldn’t connect with my extreme nature. My kids, likewise, reject my being. Although I’ve apologized for my failures, they reject that also.

Th anguish from this is something I keep mostly buried, but sometimes, like an old hose, the cracks turn into open blowouts, and the tears roll.

While I live, I will live with passion and intensity, but know that when I die, I will be at more peace than I have ever had in this life. All of the wonder, excitement, passion, glee, and even loss, has been haunted by the feeling of not belonging - being unlovable - unredeemable.

My work as an advocate is fighting the system propounding this very same ideal. The people are without a voice, without recognition, without belonging in the “club” of equal access.

Wouldn’t it be great if I could take my own heart out, stroke and soothe it, and put it right back where it belongs?

P.D., JAY V. SHORE