What If?

What if?

What if I didn’t wake up sobbing every night?

What if I didn’t revert to the little boy crying out for his mama?

What if I didn’t become terrified because she didn’t know how to comfort me and hold me?

What if my dad had been able to communicate and connect?

What if?

What if my kids hadn’t had to see me broken?

What if my kids loved me desperately, the way I love them?

What if we were all connected?

What if I was forgiven for living with the filter of my pain?

What if?

What if I was able to love myself?

What if I was a 54 year old, self-secure man?

What if I wasn’t afraid all the time?

What if PTSD wasn’t a recurring cycle of trauma and reaction in my life?

What if?

What if I’d never been born?

What if moving past the pain isn’t possible?

What if these beautiful souls had never been created?

What if there was never hope of reconciliation?

What if reconciliation never comes?

What if?

What if my Firecracker forgave me for being a broken dad?

What if my Sterino forgave me for being a broken dad?

What if my  Punkapoo forgave me for being a broken dad?

What if my Turkey-Turkey forgave me for being a broken dad?

What if my TQ forgave me for being a broken dad?

What if they loved me, instead of hating me?

What if?

What if I was able to trust that people could love me?

What if I was able to succeed?

What if I was at peace?

What if I didn’t have to ask “what if” to all of these things?

What if?

~Jay Vincent Shore 6-9-22