The Least Wonderful Time of the Year

Divorce, and the Yuletide Shit Sammich.

Love blinded me. For years. Part of me feels like a fool, and while I have eagerly embraced the role of fool in my life, I didn’t mean to do so in this way.

About a year and a half ago, I really started to question why the love of my life had a close relationship with the kids, and I was kept at arm’s length.

This has been going on since before 2015, and when we went to Portland, and the kids started hanging out with their friends, who are woke AF, this started emerging as a pattern.

They never interacted with me, they avoided me, and when I interacted with them, it was awkward and minimal.

My wife, on the other hand, had their space, their interaction, and connection. I was in trauma response since 2005 when we lost our house. I did the best I could, but admittedly, I didn’t know how to communicate with them well… at all.

This crevasse grew more noticeable as time went on. She was golden, and I was not.

I approached her about it repeatedly, and each time I did, I left confused, dazed, and hesitant to bring it up again.

Then TikTok happened. I started watching videos about covert narcissism, and I thought, “She’s a covert narcissist”, but I couldn’t reconcile this with the sweet demeanor she presented.

But then, I saw a video where a counselor gave 6 traits of a covert narcissist, and it hit me square in the face that I couldn’t deny this classification of my wife. Here are those traits:

1. Playing Victim. Holy fuck. She’s always bringing up her trauma and how it keeps her from engaging to bring me into the kids’ space and communication. I repeatedly have heard her say “It’s not my place.” (Remember this, it will be visited further on in this blog post.)

2. Denial. This is standard operating procedure. This is, at least in my experience, coupled with “I didn’t mean [fill in the blank]” or “I didn’t think it would [fill in the blank}. These are intention defenses, and they are masterful tools of manipulators, and a baseline for denial of blame.
   
   The intent defenses, in narcissitic situations, are used to avoid responsibility for the effect that the actions of the perpetrator has caused. This was constant.

3. Deflection. This makes the conversation about you, and consists of bringing up some past bullshit in an attempt to deflect the current conversation away from the harms done by the perpetrator. She’s masterful at this, and shamefully, I let it get the best of me for years.

4. Gaslighting. To be candid, there has been so much of this going on, and it is intersectional with the other characteristics so much that it still makes my brain go fuzzy. “You know that’s not what I meant.” “You really thought I would [fill in the blank]?” and more, ad nauseum.

5. Attack. She seldom did this, but once in a while, when I had her backed into a corner where accountability was inescapable, she would attack. Many times, this was coupled with a statement of “you scare me when you’re angry.” This statement would be issued when the ONLY thing I wanted was to discuss this to resolution. (It scares her to resolve her actions, and that was projected on me.)

6. Never Apologizes. This is a fact, and if there ever was an apology, it was “I’m sorry IF I did [fill in the blank].
   

What I’ve come to realize is that, due to her own trauma, she has the inability to allow herself to “get into trouble,” or be accountable for some wrongdoing. It’s not in her wheelhouse.

From above, it’s intent versus effect. Narcissists don’t care about the effect of their actions, if they can say they didn’t mean it, or you took it the wrong way, or some gaslighting technique to make you question your entire reality. And, the frame of avoiding problems and avoiding talking about them, or working to resolve them has been perpetrated upon my kids, and that was her doing, not mine.

I called a friend, who is very experienced in family breakdown, and they suggested to go to counseling to let someone else tell her that these things are a problem. I considered it for a bit, and then saw TikTok counselors (actually professional counselors) that said the very LAST thing you want to do is to go to counseling with a narcissist. They said (1) it won’t work, and (2) they will attempt to deflect and project it as your problem.

So, I presented the exit sign to my wife, and told her in detail why. What did she do?

The same as always. She has made no attempt to engage in communication about this, and said she is “working through” this internally. This is basically the silent treatment, while she dreams up some angle.

But, I’m done. My children have been alienated from me by the person I have loved for years. She claims it’s not her place to help me be in their life. So, she now has no place in my life.

Theo Von has some deep wisdom from trauma in his childhood. He said (paraphrased):

It don’t matter if you got somebody. Lots of people got somebody. What really matters is if somebody’s got you. Does anybody have your back? I didn’t have anybody that had my back.

I feel the same way…… And it’s especially salty when the one that is supposed to have your back uses the phrase “It’s not my place.” Fuck that. I reject that. I’ve had her back for years, and it’s not her place…

Next Christmas, if I make it that far, will be much better. If I am to be alone, at least I will be alone without this anchor around my neck. If we still have a nation…

I suck as a dad, but not because I didn’t try. I’ll never be a husband again.

P.D., JAY V. SHORE