The Pandemic of Parental Alienation

I recently engaged with a client who sent me their doctor’s assessment of a report done by the Minor’s Counsel in the case at issue. The Doctor’s (A Psy.D.) words were scathing and accurate. These words shook me to my core, because I realized that they were not only for the client, but they resonated on what has happened to me, and many other parents who just want to love and connect with their children.

**Before I go any further, any and all of what I write here is absent intent or authority as legal or medical advice.**

The Parental Alienation Pandemic

I have been doing ADA Advocacy for over seven years as a certified ADA advocate. In that time, and even in the training for this certification, I knew that parents fought for access to their children in custody disputes. I knew that it was ugly.

A parent that is having their child ripped from their familial connections is an injury that is not being addressed. These people are expected to still go to work, go to court, pay their bills, and continue in society. But their most biological act on this planet of being a parent has just been upended by a former spouse or “lover.” I use that word loosely, because in hindsight, many sexual connections are grossly mischaracterized as “relationships.” You’ll know from my former writings that relationship is built on four pillars - communication, trust, honesty, and respect. Many so-called relationships are missing one or more of these characteristics, and what exists, without anyone daring to call it truthfully, is a hostage situation.

And when the “relationship” ends, and children are involved, there is more intense warfare than the military has ever conducted.

The Doctor’s Report

Because I only asked the client for permission to reference this report, I will not quote it verbatim here.

This shook me to my core: The only reason for a child to reject a parent is child abuse by one parent or the other. Read that again.

The doctor classified the parents in two categories: the targeted parent (alienated) and the allied parent (the one with access to the child(ren). In the remainder of this article, I will refer to these as the “alienated parent” and the “allied parent”.

NOTE: This affects both fathers and mothers, and worse, it is a deep gaping wound upon the children as well.

The doctor went on to explain that either the allied parent is abusing the child psychologically, by creating inducements of persecution, delusion, and false (factitious) attachments, for the benefit of the allied parent, who gains from this factitious imposition. We have commonly known this as Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, or the more clinically accepted terminology of Factitious Disorder Imposed on Another (FDIA) (DSM-5 300.19).

The doctor listed more diagnostic codes for this type of abuse, including

• Delusional Disorder (shared); persecutory type (DSM-5 297.1)

• Child Psychological Abuse (DSM-5 V995.51)

• Spouse or Partner Abuse, Psychological (DSM-5 V995.82) and

• Factitious Disorder Imposed on Another (DSM-5 300.19)

I shook uncontrollably when I read these, because they slapped me in the face. For years, I have compensated for the actions of my ex, and after I read this report, I heard a tiktok that brought it all home. The statements were - a narcisissist will act as if they don’t understand what you are trying to explain about what they did wrong, hoping that you’ll give up and let it go… How many times did I do this?…

They learn that this works, and it becomes a pattern. (Insert paragraph of every expletive known)…

The doctor continued. To be fair, it looks as if this doctor used already existing diagnostic checklists to present his framework, while adding his thoughts. The following is paraphrase of these components.

1. Is there a persecutory delusion and false (factitious) attachment to the allied parent that has been created (and/or groomed) by the allied parent?
   (DSM-5 V995.51 Child Psychological Abuse)

2. Does this persecutory delusion include a shared false belief that the child is being wrongly treated by the alienated parent?
   (DSM-5 297.1 Delusional Disorder (shared); persecutory type)

3. Does the child have a false belief that they are attached to the allied parent, and alienated from the alienated parent, that is based on the pathogenic parenting of the allied parent? (It bears noting that any and all allegations are worth investigating, and it could be actual abuse, instead of a factitious delusional belief of abuse.)
   (DSM-5 300.19 Factitious Disorder Imposed on Another)

4. Is the allied parent using the child’s induced delusional, false persecutory beliefs and attachment pathology as a weapon against the alienated parent?
   (DSM-5 V995.51 Spouse or Partner Abuse, Psychological)

The doctor went on to point out that supervised parenting time DESTROYS a child’s attachment to a parent that is subject to supervised parenting.

I experienced this in my own home. My PTSD and misophonia (noise triggers) resulted in me asking my ex (early on) to help me with a buffer from the noise of the children when I was engrossed in a task. She took this as an opportunity to paint a picture that they shouldn’t bother me, and obversely, that I shouldn’t approach them. She endeared herself to them at any and all times, while keeping me separate. WHY did I not demand that this be resolved immediately? Because, we were in constant flux of crises of identity, having lost our home years earlier, and figuring out where to land… It was non-stop, and keeping everyone safe and together was my focus. Fitting in, and being included as a parent fell to the wayside, most regretably.

Let me be quick to point out that any safe connection with a parent that comforts a child is not something I disdain. But to use this as a weapon, or a tool to keep one’s own ego safe from dealing with trauma that caused narcisisstic responses is foul play.

For the 4 questions listed above, without any hesitation, I would answer YES to the actions of my ex-spouse and how those actions affected and were implemented by my children.

The Other Possibility.

There is the possibility that the alienated parent is actually abusing the child(ren) and this needs to be laid out for investigation. I’ve found that, in court and guardian ad-litem or minor counsel settings and also CPS settings, this possibility matters very little when they have their minds made up…

Is the alienated parent abusing the child(ren), resulting in the child’s attachment to the other (allied) parent? If yes (DSM-5 criteria):

• Child Physical Abuse (V995.54)

• Child Sexual Abuse (V995.53)

• Child Neglect (V995.52)

• Child Psychological Abuse (V995.51)

Now, while I vehemently deny physical abuse, other than early on spanking, which we stopped because we came to our senses, and sat our first kids down and apologized for, and I vehemently deny any existence of sexual or psychological abuse, I have to allow for the possibility that my inability to communicate and connect with them, in an undetermined percentage, could have contributed to me “neglecting” them in someone’s eyes. Even though they knew I was a protector from the word “go”, and even though when they were infants, I bonded with them, I didn’t know how to parent, and I’m guessing a lot of parents can say this.

I’m not giving myself a pass on this. In fact, it haunts me. I regret that I was so trauma-bonded to my own duties and past that I didn’t stop and see that an ongoing connection with them was just as important as keeping them fed and safe, and a roof over their heads. (I’ve heard this similar lament from dads who have been societally tasked to protect and provide as a family construct.)

I did try to connect with them from time to time, and for (pick a reason) it failed miserably. That part, while not dismissing my own lack of ability, was enabled, and furthered by the actions of my ex in making herself a safe space, and holding me out as an unsafe space - not to be bothered…

It was not, however, for any psychological, physical, or sexual abuse on my part.

The doctor’s report said something that I’m going to have trouble paraphrasing, because it was so well and poignantly written: A child’s attachment system is a primary system of the brain that rules all aspects of love and bonding through life, including grief and loss.

From Bowlby: “No variables, it is held, have more far-reaching effects on personality development than have a child’s experiences within his family: for, starting during the first months of his relations with his mother figure, and extending through the years of childhood and adolescence in his relations with both parents, he builds up working models of how attachment figures are likely to behave towards him in any of a variety of situations; and on those models are based all his expectations, and therefore all his plans for the rest of his life.” (Bowlby,1973, p. 369) Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and loss: Vol. 2. Separation: Anxiety and anger. NY: Basic.

And I have been denied that. The empath in me still rationalizes, still compensates for the connection (false to whatever degree it was) with the mother.

But now… Now, there is a rage part of me that sees clearly that this alienation was not merely by my own actions, but to a definitive percentage was created by my ex and her actions to exclude me from interacting with my own kids.

There was never a time when we were all in discussion that she stood up for me or supported my voice. There was never a mention that I am their dad and needed to be included. She excluded me at every turn.

The doctor said that the ONLY reason to intentionally destroy a child’s attachment bond to a parent is child protection concern, in other words, there is some concern that if left unsupervised, there is a real and present threat that the parent will abuse the child in some way. *And my ex had NO such concern, and there was NO real and present threat of any such thing.*

And that… That brings in the element of rage.

This has to be systemically stopped. But how???

P.D., Jay V. Shore, Certified ADA Advocate, alienated dad, and a broken man.