The Why... is just evasive.

Divorce is traumatic, but even more so when the entire family is ripped away.

It’s been two weeks now. There were ways she could reach out if she had wanted. Also, she could have emailed me. Nothing.

There have been so many times I wanted to call her and say “Do you want to come back home?” but I didn’t, because she would have wanted to come back…

To dishonoring me, to lying to me, to not apologizing for alienating my kids from me, not apologizing, or explaining how she went from this super accommodating lover, to no sex at all. She blames this on being a victim when she was a child. How do I deal with that?

To not cleaning, or contributing, or even asking how she can make things better. She just sat all day, unless the kids wanted something, then she would work tirelessly for them, at the drop of a hat. I asked her to clean up, to de-clutter, and occasionally, she would do one area, because it was unmanageable to move around.

To not explaining how she could have conspired with my middle daughter to have her leave without saying goodbye or giving me a chance to do the same.

She never encouraged me to interact with the kids, but she did encourage me to avoid them, “so I wouldn’t upset them.” She surely did the same to them, although she denies this to hell and back.

Holy fuck, I maintained a hell for what appeared to be “normal.” I was so blind, so oblivious, so goddamn stupid.

She could not bear to have feedback that presented her with having to apologize. So, I avoided most things, and just bore them up on my back as a man, thinking that was what love is. Apology, and/or accepting responsibility for wrongs or harms was never in her construct. It was always avoided.

Excuses, intentions, deflections, gaslighting, flipping the script on me - all of these were in play constantly. I couldn’t even begin to estimate how many times I would bring up a subject that we needed to talk through and resolve, and I would leave feeling as confused as fuck, thinking “what just happened?” It was disorienting, and it definitely discouraged me from addressing my needs or concerns most of the time.

I remember her telling me many times over that I was the hero of her story. Damn, that made me go harder, all while ignoring that there was no “our” story in this statement.

I remember her saying repeatedly that she was doing inner work, and if I knew what she knew, I would be at peace. So I would ask her to explain, and she never would come out with this mysterious knowledge that she claimed to have that somehow made everything okay. She was masterful at avoidance and deflection. I just let it ride… I now see the picture more clearly.

When the kids left to go live with their siblings, that removed the common thread that she and I had to remain together. There was no incentive to “man up”, or maintain a status quo for a sexless, disrespectful, dishonest, disloyal, and mentally removed mate.

It breaks my heart. In the span of three months, I’ve lost everything dear to me.

I wrote this poem today:

The screams of “Why?” go unanswered.

The live I’ve lived seems so undone.

The ones I gave my very heart to,

Have gone and left me all alone.

All I wanted was to be a Dad

I loved my kids the best I could

But the never really saw me -

My nightmare was misunderstood.

(c) Jay Vincent 4-1-24

Please don’t come into my space and tell me how Jesus can fix this. That’s just another form of pushing one’s beliefs on another, and there’s enough of that shit going on without putting more on my plate.